I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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