Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
