my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
