Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
