I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
