eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
did i just pee glitter
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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