3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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