rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
