I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
