cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
