I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize