I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
