i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
