The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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