ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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