just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize