remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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