Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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