Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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