She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
