I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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