Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
