My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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