Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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