She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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