When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How does one acquire holy water?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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