I heard we made out
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize