k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
