Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
