My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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