I cannot find my penis.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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