My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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