So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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