I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
