Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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