i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
