People with herpes should wear stickers.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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