What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
