he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
