Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
