Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
