I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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