my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
