is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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