I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
