could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
