We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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