it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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