if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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