I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
