just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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