we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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