Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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