first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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