i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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