He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
