I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
