found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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